Friday, April 22, 2005

Timeless Relationship Wisdom

After fifteen years of marriage, my wife wants us to recommit our vows. As a man, I don’t understand her need to get married again. We’ve got our toaster, let’s move on. Robert G. Lee

At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing—that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy. Howell Heflin

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh. Milton Berle.

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. William Hazlitt.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain

Aging: I have only one wrinkle and I’m sitting on it. Jean Calment

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory...I forget the other two. Red Skelton

You know you’re getting old when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. George Burns

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it. Doris Day.

I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half. Gracie Allen.

Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. Marshall McLuhan.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you’ve learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

Always do right. This will astonish some people and gratify the rest. Mark Twain.

Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death.

There’s nothing wrong with Hollywood that the Greenhouse Effect can’t cure. Andros Argon.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash. Dave Barry.

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase. Dave Barry.

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations—if you get my drift. Dave Barry.

A word of advice, don’t give it. A.J. Volicos

Everyone wants to be rich and no one fat.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars—green and wrinkled.

Death—it’s not so bad considering the alternative.

Today at the beach I could feel the men dressing me with their eyes.

Jere Carlson

Definition of a bridegroom: A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.

When I married Mr. Right, I didn’t know his first name was Always.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who likes to invite girls over for a scotch and sofa.

Never do anything once around the house that you don’t want to do for the rest of your life. Frank Briggs

My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she writes in her diary.

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. Maurice Chevalier.

The clearest explanation for the failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and theother female. Anna Quindlen

Tell me about yourself—your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number. Peter Arno

A dirty old man stuck in a middle aged man’s body. Andros Argon.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. Texas Guinan

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer’s funeral, I said: “Here’s fifty. Bury five of them.” Melvin Helitzer

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. H.G. Wells

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. David Powers

A Puritan is a person who lives in the fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time. H. L. Mencken

Sex relieves tension. Love creates it.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again. George Miller.

For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something. Tanya Noe

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Oscar, Dorothy, and Talullah

"I say in a phrase what others say in a book - what others don't say in a book," wrote philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who was very witty for an academic, let alone a philosopher.

But purer wits exist.

Three of the greatest are:

The fop Oscar Wilde, who quipped:

"Jesus Christ save us from the Christians." and:

"I can resist anything but temptation." and:

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can possibly do the day after." and (perhaps most usefully)

"I'm sorry but I was detained by a subsequent engagement."

The poet/story writer/literary critic Dorothy Parker, who pointed out:

"If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk." as well as:

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married, and then he is finished." and:

"One more drink and I’ll be under the host."

And the socialite Tallulah Bankhead, who asservated:

"I'm as pure as driven slush."


"Daddy always warned me about men and alcohol. But he never mentioned women and cocaine."

Wit's not just true (as in the poignant Nietzsche quote), it's funny. And in a world where many, if not most, will be painfully consumed by the eternal flames of hell, that's enough to give your day a little boost.

State License Plates We'd Like to See

Rhode Island: The Little Mafia State
California: The Organic Nut Fruitcake State
New Jersey: The New York State
Massachusetts: The Gaystate
Tennessee: A Kentucky Bourbon State
Alabama: A Southern Incest State
Louisiana: The Southern Incest State
Florida: Come Here to Die